Never Mind The Bollocks…
May 6, 2011 Leave a comment
Damn, it’s a little over two weeks to Judgement Day and I’m in no way prepared. I realise I’m rather unlikely to be to be taken up in The Rapture we’re due on May 21st and am therefore going to have to reconcile myself as being here for the last days. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not as if I’m a Satanist, though I’ve got nothing against the Satanist I do know (though her own brand of Satanism doesn’t seem to involve Satan or anything resembling a Deity), it’s a case that though I’m a nice guy who always tries to do the right thing… I’m not really a believer.
The first problem of course is of what to believe. Though the Catholic Church once thought it held and exclusive franchise on the marketing of the Itinerant Jewish Rabbi, even in the earliest days of what we know as Christianity schisms had appeared. We don’t hear much about JC’s brothers, who we must presume took over the Jewish end of the church. Thomas of course went east and founded the Eastern churches and the St Thomas Christians, who believed their own brand of Christianity in India, right up to the point where the Catholic Church came to convert the heathens… and decided the one thing worse than a heathen, was heathens who didn’t need converting because they’d been believing for longer.
St Peter went west, where eventually thanks to Constantine’s mum’s beliefs’ and a deathbed conversion, it became the official religion of what was the Roman, then later the Byzantine Empire. Mary Magdalene had the hatchet job done on her by Pope Gregory, back in the 6th Century, which tainted and brought into question all her work in the initial church (though to be honest Pope Gregory did say it was just his opinion, rather than gospel).
After those early days things seem to have gone from bad to worse… figuring out the relationship of the Trinity took the help of Hypatia of Alexandria, who was later killed by rampaging monks over purely political issues, that supposedly had nothing to do with being a woman or being far more intelligent than they were.
Since then the Catholic Church has lost the exclusive franchise on intercession with The Almighty and fragmentation has occurred again and again, each division now representing the one true way to salvation. Some of these churches are so small that it looks like no one not related to the founder of the church is going to be saved… having to spend eternity with just the relatives, I’m not sure that’s my view of heaven.
Anyway, according to a Mr Harold Camping of Boulder Colorado we’re due The Rapture on Saturday 21st May and the end of days on 21st October. According to his book 1994? Christ was due to return in 1994. I’m sure Mr Camping wasn’t wrong and it’s rather unlikely the Son of God was delayed by unforeseen events, so I suppose he’s wandering around the Middle East. Most countries in the Middle East aren’t exactly healthy places to be wandering around and a group of men following a leader are likely to find that they’re on the receiving end of a 500lb bomb or being disappeared for long talks with aggressive men in suits.
Maybe our view of Christ, for those of us who remain, won’t be in the long white robes, but will be of a man in an orange jumpsuit.
I’m hoping Mr Camping has taken into account the messing around that Pope Gregory XIII did with the calendar. People are depending on the accuracy of his prophesies and it’s really going to mess people about if they wake up on the 22nd May still here on earth.
Unfortunately I haven’t got any information as to which time-zone heaven is on or what time The Rapture is due, so if all the math is right I might have to miss Doctor Who… I wonder if I should record it?
